I have only just begun to understand, only just started to accept and still so much is left unanswered. It has been unbearably cold in the landscape of my mind for so long that warmth of understanding has flooded my heart with a deluge of memories and pain but not all is hurtful, I have learned to forgive myself. I have forgiven the part of me that thought grief could be timed, the part of me that felt guilty I was still alive and had no choice but to live my life.
Grief is a journey. It is a journey that doesn't just involve yourself but involves all of those around you. It changes you, molds you into a new existence and you become a completely different person as you struggle to define your emotions in a world that has collapsed around you. It is so easy to lose yourself, to let the clouds drift through you instead of seeking light. Sometimes, you don't want to find the light because it feels like you are letting go, letting them go.
It takes courage to try to understand and not shut down. It takes strength to want to understand so you can help others affected by the storm. There can be no movement forward for the soul if you slip into death's gloom yourself and do not appreciate the life pulsing through your veins. Sounds so easy, is it? No, of course it isn't. A part of the heart dies with those we love and lose. The soul splinters and has to heal from trauma, however long that takes.
I have been a prisoner for too long. I know now, that to accept death is to move forward. I know that it is not letting go but allowing me to cope and I also know, deep down inside, that your death has been a lesson for me to grow. By letting the dove fly free and not caging it in my tiny scope of vision, I know that I have stepped over another hurdle and can try to find some solace within.
I have always feared death, still do and yet I am more awakened than ever. I curse myself at times and at others, I smile and shake my head, find happiness in the good things, small blessings that kept the reaper at bay for one more day. The peaches in the salad, playing draughts and cards, strumming a guitar when you wanted to hear some music. The small but never forgotten things.
I used to think I would forget your voice, the soft calmness of it but I heard you whisper to me today. I heard you softly say that it is alright. My walls have been crumbling for some time now but this afternoon, the dam burst and I let myself drown, purposefully. I wanted to meet the epiphany head on, let out all the emotion I have held in for so long. The tears still fall but I know one thing - I owe these moments of growth and release a chance to breathe. I will not chain them any longer but give them freedom to just be. I shall not judge their choice of timing and will write away the sadness that follows for what else do I have to offer other than my words? Words and memories.
All Rights Reserved